Hueco Mundo BOWL!
by Silver and Opals
Summary: A *better* version of Shinigami's cup starring our favorite Hueco Mundo residents. Very OOC, crazy and random. Ch. 17: Broccoli
1. The Blind Man and the Fox

_Yeah, the shinigami have their little 'cups,' but the HUECO MUNDO __**BOWL**__ is so much better. After all, bowls are bigger than cups. Take that, shinigami! Hueco Mundo pwns Seireitei! Some drabbles/short stories about our favorite, lovable traitors._

{{Note: These short-stories take place in no particular order, so don't be surprised to find a dead character in this fanfict. Just a heads up: OOC!!}}

What's up everyone? Sorry for my half-a-week break; I was reading The Odyssey (UNABRIDGED! But an English Translation) and I was also a little sick. Anyways, hope you enjoy this!

* * *

**Chapter One: The Blind Man Sees More Than the Fox (Or Does He?) (Nope)**

Gin was not doing anything criminal or illegal. No, why would you say that? Honestly... Okay, _fine._ So he was rearranging the rooms of Las Noches, getting all of Szayel Aporro Granz's fraccion lost in the maze. But it wasn't bad or anything—it was just funny. Besides, Hueco Mundo kinda boring, if you stayed long enough. And Gin wasn't gonna get caught or anything... or was he?

"What are you doing, _Ichimaru,_" Tosen said, sneaking up on Gin.

"What's up, Tosen?" Gin grinned, knowing full well that Tosen was blind—there was no way he could know about the torture of multiple fraccion, right? After all, Tosen never really cared for any arrancar besides Wonderwice.

Tosen stared at the computer screens in front of Gin. "I believe you are disobeying Aizen-sama's orders. Leave those pure and innocent arrancar alone and stop messing with the structure of Las Noches."

Gin's jaw dropped. "What the flip, Tosen?" he asked. _First of all, HOW THE HELL DID HE KNOW WHAT I WAS DOING? Isn't this man supposed to be blind? Second, did he just call those arrancar 'pure and innocent?' WHAT THE HECK IS THIS? APRIL FOOLS DAY? _

"Flip?" Tosen mused this over. "Pancakes flip."

"My gawd," Gin muttered. "Tosen, how can you see what I'm doing? You're blind, right? _Or are you?_" Gin hummed the 'Mission Impossible' theme song to himself. _Bumbumbedun bumbumbedun be dun... Wait, why am I humming this stupid song? _he thought.

"You are correct, Ichimaru. These eyes can see nothing except the path with the least bloodshed." Tosen struck a heroic pose and looked proud, despite the fact that his back was to Gin now.

Gin glanced at the screens. True, there wasn't any blood being shed.

"Oh, Toooosen-saaaan," Gin called in an annoyingly high voice.

"Yes?" he asked warily.

"Take these to Aizen-sama. We had to fill out forms, so I did yours as well." Gin bit back a snicker.

"That was kind of you, Gin. I had not heard anything about any 'forms.'"

"Lemme just put your name on it… then we'll be done."

Gin smirked. He had pulled out a sheet of paper from a drawer, but it was not a form he handed to Tosen—it was a photocopy of one of Rukia's Chappy drawings. Gin had folded it into a card, and on the inside, wrote "Aizen-sama, thank you for creating Wonderwice. I *heart* him. Oh, yeah. I love Justice too. Don't you?" He had also drawn an arrow, labeling one of the bunnies 'Tosen; I LOVE JUSTICE!' and the other 'Gin, my BFF FOR ALL OF ETERNITY.'

_Thank goodness Tosen can't read... but wait. How can he do his paperwork then? _Gin sighed. He didn't want to know.

-x-

Aizen tried not to laugh, but it wasn't working. "Thank you, Tosen. HAHAHA! I adore Wonderwice as well. OHMIGOSH THIS IS HILARIOUS! And I'm glad you and Gin are finally getting along. MY GOD! Where did you get these _lovely_ drawings? I AM GOING TO PISS MY PANTS!"

Tosen was confused. "Excuse me, Aizen-sama?"

But Aizen couldn't answer—he really did piss his pants.

* * *

So, what did you think? Kinda short, but was the quality worth it? I'm looking for prompts, and if you review, you get a Chappy drawing that says: '*name* is my BFF for life! Love, Gin." And don't we all want that? You know you do!


	2. iDogs

Today in school, and I don't know how the _flip_ this could have happened, but a guy in my class was shocked by an electrical outlet. Get this; he was just sitting in his desk, doing nothing. (Or so he says, anyways) It freaked me out because I swore it was a ghost (Thank you, Edgar Allan Poe!). But this chapter comes in honor of the comedian that made me crack up while doing proofs. Thank you.

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach or any of its characters.

Please R&R.

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**Chapter Two: Cats (Grimmjow) and iDogs**

_Time: Back when Luppi was still alive and was the #6 Espada. (But thank gawd he died. I'm sorry, but Grimmjow was a thousand times cooler.)_

_Location: Hueco Mundo, obviously. _

"...the hell?" Grimmjow stared at what was in Gin's hands. "What the hell is that?"

"I dunno," Gin shrugged. "I think it's a toy dog, though."

"You don't even know what it is, but you bought it? I thought you had a reason for going to the world of the living!" Grimmjow sneered. "But you don't, do you?"

"I guess I just wanted to get away from a little while. Take a little vacaaaaation," Gin replied, dragging the last word out. "Hueco Mundo is just so booooring with only you guys. I wanted something to dooooooo."

Nnoitra said, "So spar or something! You should always be working to get stronger!"

"I'm captain class for a reason," Gin sniffed delicately. "You guys are being mean. I guess I won't give you your gifts then!"

"You brought gifts for us, _Gin-sama?_" Luppi purred. "We're sorry."

"I ain't sorry," Grimmjow snapped.

"But unfortunately for you, we don't care what the _ex-number six_ has to say, so why don't you just cool it?" Luppi smiled angelically. "So what did ya get, Gin-sama?"

"Taaaa-daaaa!" Gin brought out a shopping bag and went around to the various arrancar and began handing iDogs out to everyone.

"This green one's for you, Stark. Hey, have you been getting enough sleep lately? And brown for Barragan. Whew! Is it just me or have you been getting more wrinkles? And hot pink for Halibel. Wow, lookin good, girl!"

Halibel looked like she was going to murder Gin. She _hated_ pink. "Why not yellow?" she mumbled under her breath.

"And black for Ulquiorra of course. Say, have you been SMILING lately?" Ulquiorra didn't react the way Gin expected—he dropped it on the floor and crushed the dog under his heel, walking away without a word.

"You're no fun," Gin said sulkily. "Well, this lovely shade of green is for Nnoitra. Hey, why are you looking at me like that?"

Nnoitra threw the iDog in the air and cut it in half with his weapon. "That color was hideous," he hissed, thinking about a previous espada.

"But I thought you would like it! Now for Luppi, we have purple."

"I looooooove it!" Luppi shrieked. "PURPLE IS MY FAVORITIST COLOR, HOW DID YOU KNOW?"

"Er, okay?" Gin sweat-dropped slightly. "And I got yellow for Zommari. Hey, have you been meditating lately? Doin' yoga?"

Zommari raised his eyebrow. "Thank you for my gift? It was appreciated? I love it?" Everything he said came out as a question, but Gin ignored the tone completely.

"You're welcome! At last, someone appreciates me! Now, pink for Aporro-san! Say, have your fraccion been getting lost lately?" (1)

"As a matter of fact, they have. How would you—" Aporro stopped suddenly. "Never mind. I must get back to my quarters now. I think I'm going to check on the arrangement of the rooms..."

"Have fuuuun!" Gin waved as Aporro left, suspiciously looking back at him. "Well, this is a red one and a blue one for your two heads. Ooh, are you wearing _makeup_ today?"

"No," one of the heads shot back.

"Be nice," the other chided.

"Hell, no."

"At least thank him."

"Hell, no."

"Thank you, Gin!" the polite head called, before its fellow head knocked it unconscious.

"I'm not thanking your for anything," the rude head hissed.

"You're welcome, anyways! Now, this orange one's for Yammi. How's your arm?"

Yammi grunted slightly. "Fine."

Gin turned towards Grimmjow. "Don't think I haven't forgotten about yooooh," he sang, pulling an electric blue iCat (2) and showing it to Grimmjow. "Do you like it? I think it looks like you."

"What. The. Hell." Grimmjow was in shock. "Why am I the only one that gets a cat?"

The other espada burst out laughing.

"Meow!"

"Nice gift, Gin!"

"Aww, I want one!" This comment was from Luppi, who probably meant it.

"And look what it can do!" Gin pressed a button on the cat, and it began to play a song while dancing and wagging its tail.

_I'm a Barbie girl. In a Barbie world. Life in plastic, it's fantastic! _(3)

"YOU'RE A BARBIE GIRL, GRIMMJOW?" Nnoitra was laughing. _The _Nnoitra, who never laughed unless he was fighting for his life, was laughing at something as stupid as this.

"You know what? This thing has got to go!" Grimmjow dropped the iCat on the floor from where he was sitting (ten feet above the ground) and jumped on it. But since he didn't have Ulquiorra's cool demeanor, the cat was not crushed. Because the iCat was turned on, Grimmjow was electrocuted.

"WHAT... THE... HELL...?" he gasped, before falling to the ground, smelling like burned rubber.

_Every time we touch, I get this feeling, and every time we kiss, I swear I can fly. Can't you feel my heart beat fast, I want this to last, I need you by my side..._ (4)

The little cat came up to Grimmjow and rubbed itself against his face. _Awwww..._

Aizen clapped his hands. "Nice job, Gin."

"Thank you, Aizen-sama."

Stark yawned. "Nice job for what?"

"These aren't just toys. They're espada control weapons. When you act up, like _Grimmjow_ did, you get electrocuted." Aizen gestured to the little kitty. "Gin thought we should make them 'cute,' so we did." Gin gave Aizen a high-five.

"Cuz cute things are just so evil on the inside!" Gin opened his eyes slowly. "So, everyone. I hope you like your gifts..."

The espada (and Grimmjow) left Aizen's room slowly, whispering among themselves.

"But how was Ulquiorra able to destroy his so easily?" Nnoitra asked.

"Ulquiorra is... special," Aporro answered vaguely. "Gin wouldn't dare to use something like that on him."

"And have you ever seen Ulquiorra like anything cute?" Halibel whispered. "He's like, immune to them."

Luppi looked back, covering his mouth with his sleeves. "Poor Grimmjow..."

* * *

(1) A tiny plug from ch. 1.

(2) Do iCats exist? No? They should. Don't you agree?

(3) Barbie Girl by Aqua. I nearly died laughing when I heard the song for the first time...

(4) Every time we touch by Cascada. So random, so stupid, so perfect for this chapter.

So, what did you think of this chapter? Remember, if you review, you get an iCat or an iDog! Or, an iBird! Seriously, they need to get those things on the market and FAST.


	3. Guitar Hero

For some reason, I was imagining what would happen if our Hueco Mundo friends knew how to play video games. Thus, this story was born, a tale how video games can handle any situation—arguments, friendship problems; you name it, video games solve it.

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach or Guitar Hero. (But I do own my own set; does that count?)

* * *

**Chapter Three: Guitar Hero**

_Time: After Grimmjow is the number six espada again_

Guitar Hero High Scores: 

1. the_emo_kid (Ulquiorra)

2. the_emo_kid (Ulquiorra)

3. two_arms_for_beating_you (Nnoitra)

4. too_lazy_to_think_up_a_name (Stark)

5. I_heart_Wonderwyce_too (Aizen)

6. Shinso_pwns_u (Gin)

7. the_emo_kid (Ulquiorra)

8. I_have_fifty_eyes (Zommari)

9. I_eat_hollows_and_I_eat_you (Aaroniero)

10. King_of_da_jungle (Grimmjow)

_Note: Notice that Ulquiorra is on the list three times—the first time he did fairly well and placed fifth. Then after Grimmjow challenged him to a Guitar Hero tournament, Ulquiorra suddenly improved rapidly and claimed the top two spots._

_Note 2: Notice their usernames. They're amusing, aren't they?_

"You're going DOWN, Ulquiorra!" Grimmjow grimaced at his memory—how he challenged Ulquiorra to play the video game, so sure that he would lose, but of course, Ulquiorra took the first and second places. Grimmjow was going to get his revenge.

"I don't really care," Ulquiorra replied, busy reading a magazine. (1)

"You don't care that I'm doing to beat you?" Grimmjow laughed. "Then I'm now holding back."

Ulquiorra turned a page calmly. "Stark managed to beat you, and he was lazy. Even Aaroiero beat you. And its two heads never agree. I should think that your half of a head should be able to at least beat him."

The iCat that Gin gave Grimmjow began to walk back and forth on the TV.

_I don't wanna be a chicken, I don't wanna be a duck. So I'll shake my butt..._

"WILL YOU SHUT UP?!" Grimmjow began to fire a cero, but was stopped by Tousen, who grabbed his hand.

"What are you doing, Grimmjow?"

"Destroying that piece of crap." Grimmjow yanked his hand away from Tousen's grip. "You got a problem with that?"

"Yes. Do you have a problem with _me,_ Grimmjow?" Tosen turned to Grimmjow, his glasses facing him.

"No, not at all!" Grimmjow protested sarcastically. "Let's see. The only things you've done were to cut off my arm and burn it. You do violent things in the name of your so called 'justice,' and you come ruin my fun. No I think we're best friends."

Ulquiorra sighed. "People like you, Grimmjow, and the reason people like me need to take medicine."

"THAT'S IT! I CHALLENGE YOU TO ANOTHER GUITAR HERO FACE-OFF! YOU TOO, TOUSEN!" Grimmjow roared. "YOU BETTER COME UP WITH A USERNAME, AND QUICK, BECAUSE I AM NOT GONNA GO EASY ON YOU!"

"Don't pollute the air. You do that enough by breathing," Ulquiorra snapped. "Besides, you've already challenged me, and guess how that ended? I won."

"I accept in the name of Justice!" Tosen proclaimed.

"Can I join, too?" Gin said with the ever-present grin. "I'll do it in the name of Chappy!"

"Why not make it a complete Las Noches competition and be done with it?" Ulquiorra sighed and put his magazine away. "I look forward to defeating you again."

-x-

A week later, the arrancar met under the blue sky of the Hueco Mundo stadium to have their Guitar Hero faceoff. Only Aaroniero had refused to show up—every other Espada and all their fraccion had come to watch the competition. Even Aizen had come to be the announcer.

"Noooow, in the first competition, we have a talented little boy very dear to my heart, GIN ICHIMARU!" Aizen cheered wildly, but he was the only one. The other arrancar were exchanging glances wondering if it was too late to return their tickets.

"Tough crowd. We also have a blind wise-dude, who is competing, quote, 'in the name of justice.' Give it up for Kaname Tousen... Yay..." This time, not even Aizen cheered, so the stadium was completely silent.

"Now, we know the rules. Whoever gets the higher score moves onto the next round. Don't cheat, don't kill your opponent, blah blah blah. Begin!"

Tousen was feeling very stupid now. Gin was not a very good player, but at least he could SEE. Tousen knew only one song in the entire game, and that was 'The Justice Theme Song.' Gin, of course, picked 'Chappy and Friends Theme Song' to play the game.

"I'll wing it," Tousen sighed, randomly pressing the buttons. To no one's surprise, he lost with a total score of 200.

"So Gin moves up to Round Two!" No one clapped.

"NOOOOO! YOU DO NOT WIN! I WIN! BANKAI!" Tousen shouted, angry. But because Gin was by Aizen's side already, Tousen was trapped in his little hot-air balloon–like Bankai by himself.

"Now, for the next set, we have the hot-head with blue hair, GRIMMJOW JAEGERJAQUES!" This time, loud applause and cheers were heard everywhere.

"Why didn't I get a welcome like that?" Gin asked, pouting. "I'm just ask popular, right?" Aizen didn't dare to respond.

"We also have our, eh, loveable and happy Espada, ULQUIORRA SCHIFFER!" Polite applause was heard; Ulquiorra wasn't as popular as Grimmjow because he was colder. But he was hot, so Halibel's fraccion cheered wildly for him as well.

"This is stupid," Ulquiorra sighed. "I forfeit."

"YOU FORFEIT?" Grimmjow's jaw dropped several inches. "WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?"

"This doesn't prove anything. My score is still the high-score. So even if I forfeit, I'm still winning." With a ta-ta wave, Ulquiorra left the stadium, as he was in a hurry to get back to his magazine.

So the competition continued, and by the last round...

"AND FOR OUR LAST ROUND, IT IS HALIBEL VERSUS GRIMMJOW! _Cough, cough._ Ah, I really need a cough drop," Aizen sighed. Two hours of being the announcer was taking its toll. "PLEASE NOTE THAT ULQUIORRA'S SCORE IS STILL THE CURRENT HIGHSCORE, SO THE WINNER OF THIS COMPETITION WILL BE THE PERSON WHO BEATS THAT SCORE! SOMEONE GET ME A COUGH DROP!"

"Ladies first," Grimmjow bowed. "What song shall we do?"

"Miss Murder; my favorite," she replied. "But on the most difficult level, of course."

Grimmjow sweat-dropped. "Uh oh..." He had never played this song before, and a competition he had initiated would not be the best time to learn.

As the song started, Grimmjow began fine, but then started making mistakes—more and more mistakes. But Halibel was perfect, starting a 200 note streak.

"I lost..." Grimmjow whimpered at the end of the song.

"Not really," Halibel sighed. "Ulquiorra still has the highest score, but he and I are tied for second how, and you..."

"Don't say it."

"... are still tenth place." Halibel flashed a smile. "Don't worry, Grimmjow. Girls are better a video games. Practice."

Aizen walked up to them, rasping. "Congratulations, Halibel. Here's a silver bowl." He began to cough. "Wasn't that fun, everyone? We'll have to do it again next year. But next year, someone else is commentating..." Aizen left to find Tylenol.

-x-

A year later, a tradition was being born. No one had yet beaten Ulquiorra's perfect score on the hardest song, but they were getting close. Grimmjow and Halibel were constantly tying for second, and Tousen had learned the Chappy song. Meanwhile, Ulquiorra had taken Aizen's job of commentating...

_At the tournament, Ulquiorra picked up the microphone but did not say anything. As if on cue, the thousands of arrancars and hollows cheered._

"_He has such a way with words," Sun-Sun sighed._

_Mila-Rose sniffed. "It's like poetry, the way he speaks."_

_Apache rolled her eyes. "Crazy."_

* * *

(1) What magazine, you ask? He borrowed it from Lisa (the Vizard), okay? Enough said.

Hope you've enjoyed this chapter! Please R if you review, then you get front-row seats to a poetry reading starring Ulquiorra! Cue the fangirls...

P.s. Playstation, Harmonix Music, and the makers of Guitar Hero, you should thank me for the free advertising.

What's next in the Hueco Mundo Bowl? Well...

_The Shinigami Women's Association—they are scary, noble, and powerful. These beautiful ladies are indirectly in charge of Seireitei, and do everything in their power to demolish the Shinigami Men's Association. But what happens when the Arrancar Women's Association is formed? Who is their president? WHAT THE HELL IS GOING TO HAPPEN? Questions to be answered in the next installment of Hueco Mundo BOWL!_


	4. The Arrancar Women's Association

Sorry for the late update, everyone... hope this chapter is worth the wait!

Author's Note: Very AU and OOC, but it will totally be worth the madness.

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach or the SWA, but I do own the AWA.

* * *

**Chapter Four: The Arrancar Women's Association (The AWA)**

No matter what kind of person Ichimaru Gin was, he was not a thief. He may have a weird smile, he may be a traitor, he may have been somewhat of a criminal torturing Aporro's Fraccion, and he may have lied and tried to kill Hitsugaya and Momo, but he was not a thief. Okay, seriously. Who are we kidding? He's a thief. That's what Apache said bluntly, anyways, on an angry rampage and determined to take it out on Gin.

"You're a traitor, a criminal, a liar, a murderer, and a thief!" she shouted angrily.

"Madame!" Gin said, pretending to act shocked. "I don't deny that I am a traitor, a criminal, and, eh, what else did you say?"

"A traitor, criminal, murder, liar, thief," or something like that," Sun-sun replied, casually reading Ulquiorra's magazine.

"Well I don't deny that I'm a murderer or a liar either, but I, Ichimaru Gin, am NOT a thief!"

Mila-Rose pulled out a copy of _The Seireitei Times_ from under the sofa. "Then where did you get this?"

"I—ah, borrowed it from Hisagi-san," Gin stuttered.

"This copy is from last week."

"Happy birthday?"

Sun-sun swiped the magazine from Mila-Rose's hands. "I think the articles looks fascinating. '25 ways to complement your skin tone?' 'What NOT to wear on a date?' I think some of these are actually worth reading. Quite _unlike_," here she gave Gin a dirty look, "the boring pamphlets that Tousen churns out by the hour."

"Then it's a gift! Happy birthday!" Gin scurried out of the room, afraid that Halibel would hear about this.

"Fascinating!" Mila-Rose breathed. "I cannot believe that The Seireitei Times would actually print something like this! Somehow I always imagined Tosen's justice speeches times ten." She rolled her eyes.

"Apparently this article isn't written by the usual authors. See? Here it says 'special addition brought to you by the SWA (Shinigami Women's Association). Interested in joining? Call 1-800-JoinSWA today!'" Sun-sun said.

The arrancar didn't know this, but Hisagi Shūhei would never have let those articles get through the printing press. However, Matsumoto 'persuaded' him with her 'assets,' and Nanao tied him up, shoved him in a closet, and took charge of the printing themselves.

"What's the big deal?" Apache snapped. "You gonna call that number?"

"I was just thinking. What if we had our own organization? We could call it... the AWA! The Arrancar Women's Association! We could take charge, like the shinigami women did!" Sun-sun grinned dreamily, a rarity for her.

"Nice idea, but we need members." Apache said, determined to crush Sun-sun's dream.

"You just leave that up to me..."

_-x- Two weeks later... -x-_

**The Arrancar Women's Association Members**

**President: **Nel _{chibi}_

**Vice-President: **Sun-sun

**Chairpeople: **Halibel

Lilinette

Mila-Rose

Apache

Loly

Menoly

"I call da first meeting of the Arranfar Womensh Asso-shiation to order!" Nel yelled happily.

"Translation: 'I call the first meeting of the Arrancar Women's Association to order,'" Sun-sun added.

"Sho what business do we hafe today?"

"Translation: 'So what business do we have today?'"

The six chairpeople looked at each other, the same questions in their eyes. _Gee? How should we know what business we have today? You two are the ones that called us here! And why is Nel the president?_

"Can we go?" Apache asked.

"NO NO NO! WE NEED TO RAISHE FUNDS! WE DUN HAVE ANY MONEY, DON'T CHA KNOW?"

Loly groaned. "What do you want us to do? It's not like we get paid or anything."

Sun-sun answered, "we will sell things like pottery, or drawings, or poetry written on pretty paper."

"So our business today is to operate a fund-raiser?" Halibel raised an eyebrow. "It will never work."

"Ah, but lucky for yoooh I took these human things from Itsygo!!" Nel brought out a giant bag of random human items. "We will shell these! Yooh better make money, everyone!"

Slowly, the eight arrancar divided up the items and went to sell them, the majority mumbling and complaining.

**Halibel:**

"Barragan?" she asked, walking into his room.

"Yes?" he replied, turning around slowly from where he sat.

She thrust a pair of fuzzy bunny slippers and a hello-kitty bag into his hands. "Now, give me money."

"Why should I?"

"Because you just bought these things off of me!"

"But unfortunately, I have no money, and nor does anyone else." He almost chuckled. "What did you think we were? Shinigami?"

"No, no. My bad. You can keep the slippers and the bag."

"Thank you?"

**Lilinette:**

"Staaaaaaark!" she cried, stuffing an ice cube down his shirt.

"Umph, what was that for? I was sleeping!"

"Sleeping, eh? Then you'll LOVE this!" Lilinette held out two pillows. "These _lovely_ pillows, designed for sleep, giving you _perfect_ dreams. These are hand-stuffed with swan feathers from swans fed only the finest rice—" She was interrupted by Stark snatching the two pillows—one green and one yellow—from her hands.

"Soooo... comfortable..." he said, snoring.

"WAIT! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO PAY FOR THOSE!" Lilinette screamed. "DON'T JUST FALL ASLEEP ON ME! THAT'S WORTH AT LEAST 25 BUCKS EACH!"

But it was pointless; Stark was asleep and there was no chance of waking him up without a bullhorn. On the pro side, at least Nel didn't lie about the pillows. Stark seemed to be having perfect dreams.

"Tea? Why thank you, Mr. President. Yes, it's an honor to meet you too."

**Mila-Rose and Apache:**

"Let's sell it to Halibel-sama!" Mila-Rose suggested.

"She's supposed to be selling stuff too."

"The more the merrier!"

"Say, what did Halibel-sama do with hers?" Apache asked.

"Hmm..." The two arrancar walked around Las Noches and came across a disturbing sight indeed—Gin wrestling with Barragan over a Hello-Kitty bag and bunny slippers.

"That must be what she did," Mila-Rose commented.

"Brilliant. OY, GIN-SAMA!" Apache held up a Barbie notebook and grabbed Mila-Rose's Hello-Kitty calendar. "WANT THESE?"

Shinso pierced through the rings of the notebook and the calendar. "Drop them and no one gets hurt," Gin said with his eyes opened. The two arrancar ladies gulped nervously.

"Yeah, sure. Whatever!" Apache cried, running away.

"Merry Christmas!" Mila-Rose chimed in.

**Loly and Menoly:**

"Aizen-sama! This is for you!" Loly whispered.

"Thank you very much?" Aizen looked puzzled by what he was given—a book titled 25 Ways to Style your Hair and a curler.

Menoly nudged Loly in the sides. "We were supposed to sell those, not give them as gifts."

"Oh, come on. The president is NEL, for Las Noches' sake. What's she going to do? Drool on us?"

"Good point. So, Aizen-sama, did you like your gifts?"

"They are, er, they are..." Aizen searched his sarcastic mind for something witty. "They are very unique."

"Menoly! Did you hear that? Our gifts were unique!" The two girls left Aizen's chamber, squealing delightedly.

Aizen sighed. Oh well, didn't really matter. He tossed the book and the curler aside. _They did my Christmas shopping for me then. Gin'll just love the curler, and I'm sure Tousen will love a book he won't be able to read._

**Nel's wrath and Aizen's fury:**

"WHAT DO YOOH MEAN YOU DIDN'T SHELL ANYTHING?"

"Just that. We don't have money here, you know," Sun-sun replied calmly.

"Oh well. That's okay. I shold enough sho there'sh money for everyone!"

"Translation: I sold enough so there's money for everyone. But where did you get the money?"

Nel ignored her. "LET'SH GO SHOPPING, EVERYONE!"

The members of the AWA let out a cheer—finally, Nel did SOMETHING right. So off to the world of the living they went, buying jewelry, makeup, and clothes. Lots and lots of clothes. But when they returned, Aizen wasn't too happy.

"Where were you?"

"Shopping!" Nel squealed.

"How did you get the money?"

"I shold a shiny ball!"

"YOU SOLD MY HOGYOKU?" Aizen fainted.

_**Meanwhile, in the world of the living…**_

"Rukia! Did you steal my sisters' pillows?" Ichigo asked.

"No. Why would I? Hey, do you think I bought the real Hogyoku?" Rukia rolled the small object over and over in her hands.

"Nah, it's probably just a fake."

"It has a high reiatsu, though. I doubt humans know how to create toys like these."

"I bet Urahara's working with them," Ichigo said darkly. "Here. Lemme throw it away for you." So he took it and threw it into the starry night. To this day, no one knows that Aizen does not have the Hogyoku...

* * *

Yes, I know, Nel's baby talk was a little annoying. Please R&R!


	5. Best friends, Ulqichan and Grimmychan

Author's note: This one's based off of Shinigami's Cup 73, where Hisagi and Kira are 'dying.' The chapter's OOC and kinda short, but you'll still love it.

Disclaimer: No, I do not own Bleach, but I do own a tiny room in Las Noches where Aizen forces me to write these stories... -sob- And they serve nothing but what Orihime's cooking... please... save... me... from... leeks... and... frosting...

* * *

**Chapter Five: Best Friends, Ulqi-chan and Grimmy-chan**

"No, no, I can't die yet!" Grimmjow shouted in agony. "There's still so much I want to do... I DON'T WANNA DIE YET!" The sixth Espada broke down and began to sob.

"Calm down," Ulquiorra spat, a tone of disgust creeping into his voice.

"HOW CAN I CALM DOWN WHEN I'M ABOUT TO DIE? HOLD ME, ULQUIORRA-CHAN!"

"When did I become Ulquiorra-chan? Shut up, you won't die." _And I will NOT hold you._ "It's just stomach sickness. Get over it."

"YES I WILL, YES I WILL DIE! I'M SORRY, ULQUIORRA! THERE'S SO MUCH I WANNA DO, SO I WON'T DIE UNTIL I TELL YOU THAT..."

"That you are a loser?" Ulquiorra interrupted. "That you are a Gillian? Or maybe that you're secretly in love with Kurotsuchi Nemu?"

"No! I wanted to tell you that I've always admired you and if I survive I hope we can be best friends! Oh yeah, and I'm sorry for always insulting you and picking fights because I know you're a higher position than me but I can't accept that so I'm sorry, Ulqi-chan!" With these words, Grimmjow collapsed.

Ulquiorra pinched himself. Okay, so it's not a horrible nightmare. Oh well, it was close enough. But why would Grimmjow act like this? 1. Aizen had hypnotized him. 2. Grimmjow had FINALLY lost his mind, assuming he had one in the first place. 3. Grimmjow was telling the truth. Okay, the third possibility was completely untrue, and it was doubtful that Aizen would spend any time on someone like Grimmjow when he was too busy searching for the Hogyoku, so Ulquiorra assume that #2 was true—Grimmjow had lost his mind.

So he was going to find some 'nice' men with big needles (in other words, to find Gin and Luppi) when he noticed what was on Grimmjow's bedside table—a large thermos of soup that smelled vaguely of fried vegetables and sweet bean paste. _Disgusting,_ Ulquiorra thought. _How could Grimmjow have eaten this?_

He picked it up and noticed a note stuck to the side:

_Hello, Grimmy-chan, Ulqi-chan! This soup's for you, it's my own recipe! If you like it, I'll get you more! xoxo Inoue Orihime. _

"I guess this is what gave Grimmjow the stomachache," Ulquiorra said. "What did Inoue put into this? It must have brainwashed Grimmjow." He left and disposed of the soup, thinking: _Of course, it wouldn't be that hard to brainwash Grimmjow—he doesn't have much of a brain, now does he?_

What did Orihime use to cook with? Ulquiorra shuddered at the thought. Who would want to drink that stuff? The scent was strong enough... Oh. No.

"Hi, Ginny-chan," Ulquiorra said happily, skipping into Gin's chamber. "Do you still have that Hello-Kitty journal?"

"Yeah, why?" Gin asked nervously. _Was Ulquiorra SMILING? _

"'CUZ IT'S MINE!" Ulquiorra shouted as he grabbed Gin's hair.

* * *

Okay, that was short but I think it's funny. Who knew what Orihime's cooking does to you? It makes you act REALLY weird, now doesn't it? Who knows what's in Orihime's cooking? Who really _wants_ to know? Please R&R~!

_Next time in Hueco Mundo BOWL: _

_It's snowing. It's not supposed to snow in the desert, but it's snowing now. A somewhat more serious piece with less humor dealing with Grimmjow, Ulquiorra, and Ichigo's thoughts and feelings. Note: This was written on a whim so I won't be surprised if you don't like it; but I think there should be SOMETHING serious in here, because some Shinigami's Cups are serious. _


	6. Snow

_This will be the most serious Hueco Mundo Bowl I've yet written. It will be as solemn as a funeral. There will be no traces of humor found in this story. (SARCASM!!) That being said, please continue reading._

Disclaimer: No, I do now own Bleach. (And for my readers—I've knocked the guard to my cell out with Orihime's cooking and I'm on the run! Ssh, don't tell anyone!)

* * *

**Chapter Six: Snow**

Gin sighed. It wasn't fair that he had been kicked out of Las Noches when he was one of the most important people there. I mean, come _on,_ all he had done was raid Halibel and her Fraccion's underwear drawers. It wasn't _that_ serious.

To Gin, the most unfair thing was that it was _Nel, _the little brat herself, who kicked him out. _Literally,_ he thought, rubbing his sore behind. _I mean, I am a SHINIGAMI and she's part HOLLOW, so she should RESPECT me! _Gin sighed again.

He looked at the ever dark Hueco Mundo sky. _Geez, that moon is really creepy if you stare at it long enough. It looks like it's smilin' at you in a real creepy way... and those stars! They look like eyes..._

A small flake no larger than a cherry blossom fell into Gin's eyes. "What's this?" he wondered out loud. The ashy sand of Hueco Mundo was being covered by the tiny, white flakes.

"It's snowing!" Gin thought out loud, starting to dance. "FROOOOSTY THE SNOWWWMAN! WAAS A JOOOOOLLY HAPPPPPY SOOOOUL..." he crooned in a high, squeaky voice. The Menos under his feet in the Menos Forest shuddered in fear, wondering what was going on above their heads.

"Aizen-sama! Ulqi-chan! It's snowing!" Gin threw open the doors to Las Noches, not caring what Nel or Halibel would say. "Come and build a snowman with me! Then we'll sing a magical song and it'll come to life!"

The news spread quickly through Las Noches, as it had never snowed before. Within minutes, nearly all the arrancar (and Gin) were outside playing in the 'snow,' building snowmen and having snowball fights. (It was a weird sight to see all the arrancar acting so OOC—Barragan was moving, Stark wasn't asleep, and Grimmjow wasn't annoying the crap out of everyone.)

Aizen and Ulquiorra stood at the doorway, watching them play.

"Should we tell them what that 'snow' really is?" Ulquiorra asked.

Aizen laughed, watching Nel eat the 'snow.' "Yes, I suppose they have a right to know about Tousen's little dandruff problem..."

* * *

Ack, so short! I'm sorry. But I wrote it and I REALLY wanted to put it up, and I didn't want to elaborate on the surroundings or anything (besides, I suck at that) so here ya go! A short but funny chapter. (It is funny? Please R&R!!)

I guess you never knew about Tousen's little hygiene problems... Yes, it's totally unrealistic—who has THAT much dandruff? But you know you love how random and stupid it is :3.

And yes, I did lie about the fact that this story would be 'serious.' I was planning for it to be serious but in the end the serious version made a better oneshot, and I was thinking about dandruff so this story was born. Yay!!

R&R! I shall luff you if you do!


	7. Spoons

Bleh, sorry for the late update, everyone...

A/N: Heavy crossovers from my first fanfic, Spoons. Don't feel like reading it? Summary: Yachiru, Matsumoto, Renji, Hisagi, and others prank Seireitei using spoons in an assortment of means. (Still don't wanna read it? Your loss...)

* * *

**Hueco Mundo Bowl 7: Spoons**

"Admit it, we're lost," Renji snapped.

"You have a bad sense of direction, Rudolph," Yachiru said, giggling.

"This isn't my fault, it's yours! You were the one that took a wrong turn in the Severing District!"

"You really suck at leading, Rudolph."

"Will you guys shut up?" Matsumoto massaged her forehead; she had a massive migraine. "Look, there are some people over there. Go ask them for directions."

"Those are arrancars, Matsumoto," Kira said nervously.

"I DON'T CARE! JUST GO ASK FOR DIRECTIONS!" the blonde yelled.

"Geez, okay!" Hisagi muttered. The group of five (Yachiru, Renji, Matsumoto, Kira, and Hisagi) had gotten lost while transferring their supply of spoons from one hiding place to another. Somehow, they wound up in Hueco Mundo.

"Hey, what do ya know, Mila-Rose... _shinigami..._" Apache hissed.

"How stupid can they be?" Mila-Rose sighed.

"OY!" Renji shouted. "CAN WE ASK YOU SOMETHING!"

The three fraccion looked around. They were far from Las Noches, in the middle of the desert to be exact, hunting. No one else was around them, so the tattooed monkey _had_ to be talking to them.

"Sure," Sun-sun replied.

"HOW CAN WE GET BACK TO SEIREITEI FROM HERE?" Renji yelled.

"You don't have to yell," Apache snapped. "We're right here."

"Go fifteen miles east from here, take a left and there should be the small tear between our dimensions." Sun-sun pulled a file out of nowhere and began filing her nails. "What's in the bag?"

"None of your business," Hisagi retorted.

Apache narrowed her eyes and used sonido to steal the bag. "What is this?" she asked with disgust, opening it.

"SPOOOOOOONS!" Yachiru laughed. "You can have it!"

"Kusajishi-fukutaichou!" Kira protested. "I thought we needed those!"

"It doesn't matter, Blondie. These nice people showed us the way out. It's a gift!" she bowed and led the other shinigami away.

Mila-Rose leaned towards Sun-sun's ear. "You gave them false directions, didn't you?"

"Of course. Going that way will lead them directly to the Menos Forest."

* * *

"Why were they carrying around a big bag of spoons?" Halibel asked after her fraccion told her what had happened.

Sun-sun showed a copy of _The Seireitei Times_ to her master. "Apparently, they're pulling a prank on their superiors for not paying them enough."

"I say we do the same thing they did," Apache suggested.

"We don't get paid, so there isn't much we can protest against," Halibel pointed out.

"Halibel-sama?" One of Aporro's weird fraccion entered her chambers.

"What?"

"Aizen-sama and Aporro-sama request that you give half of your chambers to us."

"Request denied," Mila-Rose said lazily.

"It isn't a request, it's a demand."

Apache fired a cero, destroying the weaker fraccion on the spot. "So now do we have something to protest against?"

Halibel nodded grimly. "You have no idea."

* * *

"Okay, I understand your position on this," Aizen said. "You don't have to give your chambers to Aporro-san."

"What else?" Apache said, holding a whip made from spoons.

"And I have no idea why I even listened to him. Obviously you're higher ranked."

"And?" Sun-sun held another copy of 'Spoonorinmaru,' a Hyorinmaru made from spoons.

"I'm an idiot for even considering taking your rooms away in the first place. There, are ya happy?"

Halibel and her fraccion nodded. "Buh-bye, Aizie-poo!" she called, leaving.

"WAIT! AREN'T YOU GONNA LET ME DOWN FROM HERE?" Aizen was dangling upside-down from the ceiling on a web made entirely of spoons.

"Nope." Halibel looked back and blew a raspberry.

I know, very very very OOC.


	8. Aizen's Thanksgiving

Bleh, sorry for the late update, everyone. Please R&R, and if you don't celebrate thanksgiving... I'm sorry, because unless Orihime is doing the cooking, you get to eat a lot of good food.

**Hueco Mundo Bowl 8: Aizen's Thanksgiving**

It was the first Thanksgiving in Hueco Mundo, and Aizen was hating every single minute of it.

_Some people have normal Thanksgivings_, he realized as he stared sadly at the hollow turkey. _I get a hollow Thanksgiving. Ha, 'hollow.' Get it? I'm so clever._

"Isn't there any normal food?" Gin complained. Aizen glared at him to shut up.

"Well," Szayel said importantly, pushing his glasses higher on his nose. "I do have something you might enjoy, Ichimaru."

"What?"

Szayel headed to his laboratories and came back several minutes later carrying a large platter with what looked like two normal turkeys. Of course, because he was Szayel Aporro Granz, no one really trusted what he was offering to them.

"Did ya poison this?" Gin asked suspiciously, poking one of the turkeys with a fork.

"Of course not!" Szayel replied, acting shocked. "Dig in!"

As the various arrancars and shinigami were enjoying the turkeys and mashed hollow bones, Szayel added under his breath: "Of course, just because I didn't poison it doesn't mean it won't come alive and eat you from the inside..."

"Wha di' yooh shay?" Aizen asked with his mouth full. He swallowed. "That's funny. Why does it feel like there's something moving in my stomach?"

Szayel shrugged innocently. "I dunno. But it couldn't be that the turkeys are coming alive and eating you from the inside... no, that would be impossible."

With those words, every single one of them spat out what they were eating.

"You dirty, lying, evil, crazy..." Grimmjow hissed.

The eighth espada fluffed his hair. "Why, thank you. I _am_ evil and crazy, but I'm not dirty. I just shampooed."

The rest of the arrancars were getting ready to kill Szayel, but Aizen called for them to stop.

"Don't kill him yet."

"Why not, Aizen-sama?" Ulquiorra asked. He held the carving knife to Szayel's neck.

"Because if you just kill him like that, it's no fun. No, you need to make him suffer," Aizen said matter-of-factly. He then pulled a chain saw out of nowhere. "This is much better."

"Have mercy, Aizen-sama!" Szayel sobbed. "I have an antidote."

The arrancars let him go and ate the antidote—cranberry sauce with glue. There was still a turkey left, and Aizen knew just what to do with it...

-x-

"Happy Thanksgiving, sir!" A disguised Ulquiorra handed Ichigo a large turkey. "As the 1000th person to walk past me today, you get a free turkey!"

"Erm, thanks?" Ichigo shook his head and headed to Orihime's house, where Rukia, Ishida, and Chad were studying.

"Here, Inoue," he said, handing her the turkey. "Happy Thanksgiving."

"Ooh, thank you, Kurosaki-kun! Wait here, I'll make us all a yummy dinner!"

The turkey, which had been cooked by Szayel, tasted horrible already. After Orihime had worked her magic onto the dish, it actually tasted... pretty decent.

"What's in this, Inoue?" Ichigo asked.

"Hmm, there's the turkey. And cranberry sauce. And marshmallows with butter. Oh, and I added popcorn and licorice."

Chad and Ishida stared at their plate. Was there something moving in their stomachs?

-x-

Back in Hueco Mundo, Aizen and his henchmen were having a hard time talking. And no wonder—the antidote had glued their mouths shut.

_I'm hungry,_ Aizen thought. _I wonder who's playing in the Super Bowl? Hehe, 'Bowl...' why does that sound so ironic?_


	9. Wonderwice, Gin, and the TV

This chapter is dedicated to the arrancar who really should get more screen time. Yup... WONDERWICE!

Heads up: Very. Very. Very. Very. Very. OOC. (But I think you've learned that, right?)

* * *

**Hueco Mundo Bowl 9: Wonderwice, Gin, and the TV**

Gin, Aizen, and Wonderwice were watching TV together in Aizen's room, who had picked the History Channel to watch. Needless to say, Gin was bored out of his mind. Wonderwice didn't seem to be enjoying it much either.

"Aaaah," Wonderwice moaned at Aizen to change the channel, so Aizen changed it to the Evil Dictator Show.

Gin and Wonderwice exchanged a look that said 'please kill me.'

"Aaaaaaaah!" Gin moaned, imitating Wonderwice.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaah!" Wonderwice moaned at Gin. He was angry that Gin had copied him.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!" Gin shouted back with a wink. Wonderwice grinned wickedly after he caught on. Now they were having fun.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!" Aizen said, joining in the game.

Wonderwice and Gin sighed. It wasn't fun now that Aizen had joined in.

"Will you just change the channel, Aizen-sama-kun?" Gin asked in a false, syrupy sweet voice.

"What's wrong with this one?" Aizen asked, confused. "Ow!"

Wonderwice had taken a heavy book and hit Aizen on the head. "Aaaaaaah," he said as an explanation.

Gin shrugged, picked up the remote, and began flipping through channels. After about five minutes, he stopped. Wonderwice smiled happily and they began to sway back and forth to the theme song together.

Tousen wandered into the room looking for Aizen, but as he heard the song, he stopped and joined Gin and Tousen in swaying back and forth.

Within two hours, nearly all of the arrancar of Las Noches came into the room and joined them. Aizen was still out cold.

"Isn't this fun?" Gin asked Wonderwice.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah," was the response.

Gin sighed and watched Aizen get up and rub his head in confusion. But as Aizen saw what TV show they were watching, he laughed.

"Yo, Gin," Grimmjow called. "Song's startin' again!"

_I love you, You love me,  
We're a happy family  
With a great big hug and a kiss from me to you  
Won't you say you love me too..._

With one last sigh, Aizen got up and joined them. Who knew evil shinigami and arrancars determined to take over the world would love a purple dinosaur?

Wonderwice smiled—the 'kick me' sign on Aizen's back was still unnoticed. His work here was done.

* * *

_Barney is evil, boys and girls! Here's the lyrics spoof:_

_I hate you, you hate me,  
Let's all go kill Barney  
With a great big punch and a bullet to the head  
Sorry children, Barney's dead._


	10. Bonfire Night

_Opal's note: Ack, I am really bad at updating. I was going to put this up on Saturday, actually! Well, here's something to cheer up your Monday blues._

_This installment of Hueco Mundo Bowl is brought to you by Bonfire Safety Co. _

**Hueco Mundo Bowl 10: Bonfire Night**

It was dark, like it always was in Hueco Mundo. But tonight, it was special, because Aizen and the arrancars had built a bonfire and were burning random objects from pillows to chairs to Hogyokus.

Aizen, for example, had brought his old shinigami robes to burn. Lilinette had chosen to bring some of Stark's pillows. Nel had snuck Aizen's Hogyoku under her robes and was planning to burn that. Everyone had brought something in remembrance of all their, er, happy times together. Everyone, that is, except Ulquiorra.

"Why didn't you bring anything to put in the bonfire?" Grimmjow said. He had brought his iCat.

Ulquiorra crossed his arms. "Oh, trust me. Something's going to burn."

One by one, Aizen, followed by Gin, then Tousen, then Stark, Barragan, and Halibel approached the fire and dropped something in them. Barragan glanced at Ulquiorra and gave him a funny look.

"So, Ulquiorra, what are you going to burn?" he asked in a slow voice, as if talking to someone stupid.

"Yeah, _Ulquiorra,_" Grimmjow sneered, emphasizing his name. "Why _didn't_ you bring anything to burn?"

The solemn fourth espada walked up to the fire, laughed, and pushed Grimmjow into the fire. The iCat exploded in a brilliant shower of sparks and flames. Ulquiorra applauded loudly and walked away, chuckling slightly.

"Wow," Halibel said softly.

"That was..." Sun-sun gasped.

"I know!" Gin shrieked. "I want a turn, too!"


	11. Letters to Santa I

_Author's note: Based off a Garfield comic strip. I do not own Garfield or Bleach, but I'm working on it._

**Hueco Mundo Bowl 11: Letters to Santa I**

_Dear Santa Claus,_

_My fellow Espada, Ulquiorra Schiffer, has been a very good arrancar this year. He has helped little children do their homework and little old ladies cross streets. He also picks up trash under highways in his spare time and often plants trees to save the environment. Did I mention he volunteers at old people centers? Yup, that's right. Ulquiorra is the bestest best buddy a guy could have._

Aizen stopped writing and raised an eyebrow at Ulquiorra, who was standing by his writing table. The stony faced Espada gave him a look that said 'Well, you worthless leader? Keep writing!'

_So this year for Christmas, he would like a Hello Kitty journal, a Barney sing-a-long book, a Strawberry Shortcake calendar, and a copy of the bestselling DVD 'How to be Emo.' _

The leader of the arrancars stopped writing again and glared at his fourth espada.

"What?" Ulquiorra asked, sensing Aizen's displeasure.

"I will get my pants back, right?" Aizen asked; he was naked except for his jacket and a pair of Spongebob boxers. (And his fuzzy Chappy bunny slippers, but those don't count)

"Just keep writing," Ulquiorra snapped.

_So to sum it up, Ulquiorra is the most wonderful person on the planet. Now, please give him what he wants, Santa. I really want my pants back!_

_Yours sincerely,_

_Aizen Sosuke (The Great and Evil)_


	12. Letters to Santa II

_Sorry for the late update, everyone. Can I help it if I was busy with exams? Evil teachers... but as a gift, here are TWO chapters for you today._

**Hueco Mundo Bowl 12: Letters to Santa II**

Tousen sighed and tried to smooth back his hair. Aizen had informed him that playing Santa to the various arrancar of Hueco Mundo meant justice and no bloodshed for anyone. With an offer like that, was it any wonder that Tousen agreed?

"Hello little girl," he said to whoever was sitting on his lap at the moment. "What would you like for Christmas?"

Gin glared at the blind man. "I'm a guy," he snapped. "And I want shampoo, and lotion, a new diary, a brush, some gel pens..." he pulled out a notepad and handed it to 'Santa.' "You might want to write this down," Gin said with a smile.

Tousen took the notepad and began to take notes. "Lotion, hairbrush, and gel pens, right?"

"Mhmm! And then I want some food, some CDs, and maybe a new computer! Will you do that for me, Santy-chan?"

"Ho ho ho! Have you been a good boy this year?" Tousen replied in an uninterested tone.

"Close enough. Did you get my wishlist down?"

Tousen handed the notepad to Gin. "I think I did. You may want to read it over though."

Gin looked at the messy chicken scratch on the sheet of paper. _Hmm, maybe it wasn't the smartest idea to ask a blind dude to take notes..._


	13. Therapy

_Yup, second chapter for today. Enjoy! This chapter features Orihime, the first human to be in Hueco Mundo Bowl. _

**Hueco Mundo Bowl 13: Therapy**

"It's not my fault he refuses to talk to me! I mean, seriously. He captures me and brings me here. The least he could do is have a decent conversation with me sometimes! But nooooh, it's just 'you live for Aizen-sama,' 'your powers are for Aizen-sama,' and 'Aizen-sama owns you.' What am I supposed to do?" Orihime Inoue broke down and began to sob.

Stark was acting as the counselor to Orihime and Ulquiorra. It was clear he was bored, but he had promised Orihime and he knew he wouldn't be able to worm him way out of it.

"Ulquiorra, talk with her. Orihime, stop being a baby. Can I go now?" he started to head out of Orihime's room.

"NO!" The auburn haired girl screamed. "We haven't even gotten to the biggest problem yet!"

Stark suppressed a groan. "And what is that?" he asked with a yawn.

"Ulquiorra..." she began to cry again.

"Oh, god," the fourth espada mumbled. "Here we go again."

"He never does the laundry!" Orihime burst out with another round of sobs.


	14. Barragan Claus

_Merry Christmas, everyone! This story is pure crack, but you know that I had to write it... a tad longer than the previous ones, but they're chuck full of Christmas songs parodies..._

* * *

**Hueco Mundo Bowl 14: Barragan Claus**

"Dashing through the snow,  
On a pair of broken skis,  
O'er the hills we go,  
Crashing into trees!  
The snow is turning red,  
I think I might be dead,  
Now I'm in the hospital  
With stitches in my head, hey!

Oh, Jingle bells,  
Aizen smells.  
Tousen laid an egg...  
The Gin-mobile lost a wheel  
And Grimmjow got away!"

It was Christmas in Hueco Mundo, and the residents were celebrating just like the humans do—with some good old-fashioned caroling, decorating a dead tree with rusty ornaments, and pushing each other into the fireplaces. Good times, good times.

As it was getting late, the various arrancar went to their chambers and waited eagerly for "Hollow Claus," for Gin had promised them that the jolly old fat hollow would bring gifts from them all.

Lilinette was the last to leave Aizen's chamber. "Are you sure he'll bring me a toy beaver?" she asked nervously.

"Of course!"' Gin told her cheerfully. "That is, assuming you've been good this year."

The green haired arrancar thought about all the pranks she had pulled on Stark. "Ah, close enough," she shrugged.

"Go to bed, Gin," Aizen groaned. He had drunk too much eggnog and was experiencing a bad migraine.

"No, I have to wait for Santy-chan!" Gin's eyes opened and sparkled slightly with those words.

Aizen gave his subordinate a strange look. "Enjoy," he mumbled, heading to his bedroom.

Gin sat on a white sofa and began to rock back and forth in anticipation. Since Aizen's meeting room had the largest chimney, Gin had figured that Santa would choose that chimney to come down instead of a smaller one.

"On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love gave to me," he began to sing.  
"Twelve crazy hollows  
Eleven drunks a-drinking  
Ten Aizens a-killing  
Nine thieves a-stealing  
Eight drivers crashing  
Seven eggs a-cracking  
Six windows breaking  
FIIIIIVE BOTTLES OF RUM!  
Four creepy snakes  
Three French bras  
Two lizard masks  
And a dead bird in a dead tree..."

Just as he finished, Gin heard a slight groan in the chimney. "Santa?" he whispered to himself.

"God, would it be too much to ask for a _little_ space in the chimneys? Seriously, people," Gin heard some more muttering. "And when's the last time this was cleaned out? DID I JUST TOUCH BARF?"

"Santa Claus!" Gin cried as he saw two feet pop out from the chimney. "What did you bring me?"

The fat man crawled out from the fireplace and gave Gin a funny look. "Who are you talking about?"

"Santa?" the silver haired shinigami frowned. _Shouldn't Santa be skinnier than this?_ he thought to himself.

"No, you idiot! It's me!" Barragan wiped his face of the ashes and glared at Gin. "Would it kill you guys to leave the front door open?"

"Wh-what were you doing?" Gin yelled. "Did you kill Santa Claus?"

The old Espada replied with a hint of annoyance in his voice. "I wanted to go outside and wish on a star. I mean, it's Christmas and all... Can I help it if you guys locked me out? I had to find a way to get back into Las Noches somehow, so I chose to climb the roof."

"Yeah, I knew it couldn't be Santa," the silver haired shinigami said with a sigh. "Santa would be much more skinnier..."

Barragan grabbed the collar of Gin's jacket and pushed him into the wall. "Are you callin' me fat?"

Suddenly Mila-Rose, Sun-sun, and Apache wandered into the room again.

"I heard Santa!" Apache screamed with delight. "Where is he?" She looked towards Barragan. "SANTA!"

Thinking quickly, Gin pulled out a mistletoe and hung it over Barragan and Apache's heads. "Merry Christmas!" he called as he left the room.

* * *

_I do not think Apache and Barragan is a good couple; I just threw it in there to add to the OOC and the crack. Enjoy, and Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukah, and Happy Holidays!_


	15. Aizen's Life Lessons

_Camera 13: Focused on Aizen sitting in his throne. He is talking to the camera and enjoying it._

What's up, everyone? This is **Aizen Sosuke**, a.k.a. **AIZEN-SAMA** here writing this week's installment of **Hueco Mundo Bowl.** Before you guys ask me some stupid question like "Dude, what are you doing here?" or "Hey, where's our regular author?" let me just explain this to you: I am evil. I need publicity. So I kidnapped Miss Opal and took her to Las Noches, where she is happily having a sleepover with Inoue Orihime. That sounds fun, doesn't it? Then I'll talk about MYSELF and you guys will be forced to read. Muahahahaha!

_Aizen turns around and directs the camera towards a blank wall. Anguished screams can be heard._

"_C'mon, let's paint our nails and do our hair, and pick out each other's outfits!" came Orihime's high pitched voice._

"_Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Kill me! Kill me!" Opal cried, banging on the walls._

_Camera 13 is directed back towards Aizen. He coughs and begins to talk again._

So, erm, anyways, I'll be writing this week's Hueco Mundo Bowl. Actually I'll be talking, but I've programmed a computer to take down every single word of my brilliant genius. So, shall we get started?

* * *

_Camera 13: Pointed towards the computer. A key is held up so that it will be easier for the simple minded reader to follow._

_Italics=people talking from the background._

_Italics+underline=camera's actions and what it picks up. _

Plain text=Aizen talking.

**Bold=Aizen's key points.**

* * *

**Hueco Mundo Bowl 15: Aizen's Life Lessons**

**1. Wikipedia has all the answers to life.**

I am NOT joking with this. Haven't you guys ever wondered how I managed to make my evil master plan and know that the hogyoku was in Rukia's gigai? Wikipedia. How did I know my plan would work? Wikipedia. I'm serious. They even have a whole biography about me on that! I must be famous! Let's move on to point #2.

**2. The next time you want to commence word domination, pick some less creepy sidekicks. **

This may not seem very important, but it is. See, this is where I made a mistake. Why the heck did I pick people like Luppi and Afro-dude to be my subordinates? I'm almost glad that they were killed. _Camera 13: Aizen sighs and puts his head in his hands._ Yeah, we've all gotta learn, right? Next~!

**3. When you want to kidnap someone to make your master plan work, DO NOT PICK INOUE ORIHIME!**

God, that girl can whine. _Microphone 14: "Opal! You're being mean!" "Will you shut up, Orihime!" "Kurosaki-kun will come rescue me! Then you'll pay!"_Yeah, get the point? She's really annoying, isn't she? Now I'll move on before she comes over here and whines my ear off.

**4. Pie is good.**

It is, isn't it?

**5. Never ask Tousen's advice when redecorating.**

Someone (*Cough* Gin) asked me why Las Noches was so plain. Well, I'm a busy evil genius, so I asked Tousen to help me pick color swatches and plan out the furniture. He picked something randomly and it turned out to be white. _Camera 13: Aizen is now holding a bucket of paint. His expression is suggesting that he would like to dump it on Tousen._ Hey, camera, stop pointing at me! Moving on to lesson #6...

**6. Don't pick Hueco Mundo as a place to vacation.**

Ah, yes, I remember my first summer away from the shinigami academy. I came here because they told me "white sand, beautiful nights... you'll love vacationing here in Ueco-Hay Undo-May!" Don't listen to those travel agents.

**7. The most annoying word in existence is "Itsygo!"**

After hearing that green-haired brat scream that so many times through my various camera and microphones, I'm seriously considering therapy. Hmm, do you think Starky-chan has room for one more?

**8. The Menos Grandes like to eat toilet paper.**

Hey, who knew? All I had to do was steal them some rolls from Yama-jii and now they're on my side! Muahahaha!

**9. Best prank ever: Steal Halibel's bras and use them as catapults in a food fight.**

I pwned them all with my ginormous catapult. Muahahaha! _Camera 13: Aizen is coughing and appears to be choking._ Okay, enough evil laughter.

**10:** **Sunrooms are a MUST for any living establishment.**

I need to tan! Do you know what living in a place with 24 hour darkness will do to your skin? Yeah, I'm done...

* * *

_Camera 13: Opal has escaped Orihime's rooms. She is now running towards Aizen with a baseball bat in her hands._

"_What's she doing?" Aizen said out loud._

_Camera 13: Opal slammed the baseball bat on Aizen's head. Oh, guess it was made out of foam, because Aizen doesn't seem to be hurt._

"_That's for making an extremely long Hueco Mundo Bowl!" the authoress screamed. "Now, get lost."_

"_You will publish this, right?" Aizen asked, giving her the puppy eyes._

"_Sure, whatever. Now, who writes all the other Hueco Mundo Bowls from now on?"_

"_You do," Aizen said meekly._

* * *

_**Camera 13: Opal left the room as Aizen blew a raspberry at her. **_

_**End transmission.**_

_**Thanks for reading, everyone.**_

* * *

"But you know you guys love me more than Opal, right?" Aizen asked, giving a wink. "Tell me, er, US in a review who you love more~!"


	16. Worst Memories

_Opal (to Aizen after reading the reviews): Haha, our readers like ME better!_

_Aizen (as he reads through the reviews again): But it seems a lot want Gin to come run the show soon... so that means they don't like you very much either!_

_Opal (as she shoves Aizen into Orihime's room): And other reviewers want me to make you sleepover with Orihime. Enjoy!_

_Aizen (getting his hair curled by Orihime): Noooooooh! Kill me! I DON'T THINK THE CURLER GOES THERE, ORIHIME!_

_Opal (shaking her head): Shame, shame. What WILL the world do without you, Aizie-poo? Anyways, readers, I put up a poll on my profile page. Please vote for who you would like to see in the next Hueco Mundo Bowls! Now, enjoy this week's..._

* * *

**Hueco Mundo Bowl 16: Worst Memories**

"Hey, I know that the year ain't over yet, but what was your worst memory of 2008?" Gin asked the espada at a meeting.

"Had to be that time Nel formed the AWA and stole the hogyoku," Aizen replied, shuddering.

"For me, it's when Gin captured Nel's little 'Itsygo!' screaming on tape and played it in my room, over and over and over and over..." Ulquiorra glared at the silver haired shinigami.

"I thought it was funny," Gin replied lightly.

"Worst memory was when we ran out of toilet paper to feed to the Menos," Barragan shot back with a shudder. "And then they thought that Halibel was a roll of toilet paper..."

"I still think the time Grimmjow went delusional and cosplayed as Cardcaptor Sakura was the funniest thing ever," Halibel said with a grin (although you couldn't really see it; her collar covered much of her smile). "But it was disturbing too."

"Seriously!" the sixth espada protested. "I don't know what you're talking about!"

"I told you, you were out cold," Ulquiorra sighed. "My worst memory was the time that Wonderwice and Tousen decided to change Hueco Mundo into a Chappy palace."

"I thought it was a good idea," Tousen said, miffed.

Just then, Yammy walked in wearing nothing but a towel. "Ahhhh," he said as he stretched. "Nothin' like a nice, long, hot tub and a massage to follow up afterwards. The bubbles massaging my body? And then the rubdown afterwards? Mhm, mhmm, mhmmmm... I think I'll go out and buy myself a... what do the humans call it? A Speedo?"

The arrancar and shinigami in the room looked at each other—each with a different expression on their face. Halibel looked like she was about to throw up, Ulquiorra appeared to be emotionally scarred for life, and Grimmjow was pulling out his sword like he wanted to commit suicide. None of them liked the mental image that Yammy was providing for them.

The tenth espada shrugged and left the room. As soon as he was gone, Aizen spoke up.

"I'd like to change my answer," he said with his eyes closed in disgust.

"Ditto," Ulquiorra agreed.

"Me too," Gin sighed. _Why did I bring up this topic again? _

* * *

_Aizen (here to announce that he got a manicure): WHY DO I HAVE HELLO KITTYS PAINTED ON MY FINGERNAILS? KILL ME!_

_Opal (wincing slightly): Yeah, now you know what __**I **__had to go through. But I think you know what next week's Hueco Mundo Bowl will be about—Aizie-poo and Orihime's sleepover. Until then! Don't forget to review!_

* * *

**Special Announcement: Want to request a special story? A special theme or topic? Well, now you can! Just send $100000000 to 76667 **_**Las Noches Avenue, Hueco Mundo, 28424-9872**_** and tell me what you want! (And with every payment, you get a Chappy poster!)**

**P.S. Opal, this is NOT Gin spamming up your story.**

**P.P.S. Opal, please don't kill me.**

**P.P.P.S. Opal, if you have to kill someone, kill Tousen, we clear?**

**P.P.P.P.S. Hey, Opal-authoress-san, I'll stop spamming now, okay?**

**P.P.P.P.P.S. Opal-sama, just wanted to say I'm sorry. Seriously. Haha, not really! **

**P.P.P.P.P.P.S. Who knew spamming was so much fun? Wheee! Okay, I'm bored. I think I'll go plan my story domination now!**

_Opal (taking a deep breath): GIN, YOU BETTER RUN FOR YOUR LIFE BECAUSE I'M GOING TO MAKE YOU PAY!_

* * *

_Opal (again, after she beat up Gin thoroughly): Seriously, don't send any money, although I will take requests, prompts, or whatever little bits of randomness you could provide for me. (And for those of you who would like Gin to take over the show, he's coming up soon!)_


	17. The Sleepover of DOOM!

_Apologies for the EXTREMELY late update! Once you find a baseball bat, you have permission to kill me._

_WARNING: MAJOR ORIHIME BASHING AHEAD!_

**Hueco Mundo Bowl 17: The Sleepover (Of DOOM!)**

_Note to self: When the dare to "truth or dare" is 'have a sleepover with Orihime,' take the truth._

Aizen sighed and went back to making a voodoo doll or Orihime, taking particular joy in stabbing her eyes. The girl herself had gone to get some coffee, marshmallows, and candy. Aizen didn't WANT to know what that girl would be like on sugar.

"Oh, Aizen-sama! I'm back!" she cried cheerfully as she came back into her room.

"Great..." he heard the door close again. "YES! MAYBE SHE'LL FALL OFF OF A CLIFF!"

"Aizie-poo! I'm baaaaack!" this time, she was carrying two cups of coffee. "Want a cup?"

"Is it poisoned?"

"Oh, you're so silly! I would never!"

Doubtful, Aizen took a sip.

"Okay, maybe I would poison it."

Aizen spat his mouthful out and glared at Orihime. "What the heck is wrong with you?"

"Wrong with who?" another Orihime came into the room, carrying a large bag of popcorn.

"Whoa, what's going on?" Aizen screamed. "IS THE WORLD GOING CRAZY!"

As if on cue, Szayel entered the room, an apologetic smile on his face. "Yeah, it seems that Orihime somehow found her way into my cloning machine. There's about a couple thousand Orihimes running around Las Noches... just thought I'd give you a heads up."

And that, boys and girls, is why Orihime never seems to die quickly enough—her clones take her place. Aren't you glad you read this? You actually learned something.


	18. Broccoli

_Erm, yeah, sorry for the late updates everyone… I've been really busy but I know that's not an excuse for this INCREDIBLY late update. Anyways, I'll be updating at my regular pace again soon… thank you so much for reading!_

**Hueco Mundo Bowl 18: Broccoli**

"What. Is. That." Zommari stared at the green… THINGS on his plate. Irritated, he released his zanpakuto and transformed into his resurrection form in order to glare at Grimmjow with all 52 eyes of his.

"What?" Grimmjow snapped. "It ain't my fault that you can't get enough vitamins."

"I get enough vitamins, thank you," Zommari smiled in a sarcastic way and turned to Aizen with a puppy-dog pout. The effect was a bit interesting, since all 52 eyes of his were giving Aizen 'puppy dog eyes.'

Grimmjow and Aizen looked at each other and contemplated murder.

"Yes, Zommari?" Aizen resigned with a sigh. "Eat your vegetables."

"WHYYYYYYYYY?" he moaned. "Why doesn't Ulquiorra have to eat his vegetables?"

"Ulquiorra doesn't have fifty eyes," Grimmjow sneered.

"Fifty. TWO," Zommari hissed, as if it actually made a difference.

"As if that actually makes a difference," Aizen sighed. "Here, how about this… you don't want to eat your vegetables and I want to kill off a certain little someone. How about this…? Hmm… Grimmjow, come here. I have a wonderful plan."

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"So, have you learned anything?" Aizen gave Zommari and Orihime an evil stare.

"MmmmmmMMMm!" Orihime struggled, but to no avail. Ulquiorra, on the other hand, looked to be enjoying the process of force-feeding Orihime and Zommari broccoli.

"My my," came the steady voice of Byakuya Kuchiki. "Mind if I join?"

_How did you get in?_ Everyone was thinking. _Oh… wait… never mind._

Yachiru popped up on Byakuya's shoulders and gave Aizen a big wave.

"GLASSES-HEAD!" she squealed, throwing a banana at him. "HOW HAVE YOU BEEN OUT HERE? IS THERE A SWIMMING POOL HERE?"

Byakuya ignored her and shoved Brussels sprouts into Zommari's mouth, and shoved a spoonful of tomato juice in Orihime's.

"Ooh, let me have some of that," Aizen called.

"My pleasure."

* * *

_Yeah, sorry again for the late update! But I'll be more constant soon… I promise! After all, most of my exams are over!_

_If you could review, that would be so awesome. 3 you all!_


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